Who am I?

I have lost my identity. I am no longer who I used to be. I am simply known as M and F’s Mummy.

How do I find myself again?

I don’t know how this has happened. When did this happen?

Don’t get me wrong I love my children and being a mummy. I know I am a very lucky lady to have the life we have. But I used to be my own person too. Before I became a mummy I used to be good at my job. I worked hard. I earned my own money. I spent my own money. Going out used to be simple, not a military operation. I used to spend time on the way I looked and at times I felt good about the way I looked. Now I earn nothing. Now any time away from home either involves two others tagging along or some serious forward planning. Losing validation through a sense of job satisfaction is tough. I miss the sense of achievement that paid employment and being successful brings. Now I feel like I am constantly failing. I am a disheveled mess most days. Nothing really fits the way it should. My hair is now rarely blow dried, let alone cut.  I am a shell of the person that I once was. How has it come to this?

In the first three months of being a parent, life changed dramatically. I was sleep deprived. Physically done in. I did not have a break. At times, I think I was delirious with tiredness. No one warns you that this will happen. My memory disappeared. My brain had stopped functioning how it used to. My body no longer felt like my own. Everything had changed. Days just merged into one another and I lost myself in the life that is naps, nappy changing, feeding, washing etc. This was my job. This was my life. It was an all-consuming job that was a constant source of worry, guilt and a never ending responsibility. Time to look after myself quickly diminished. Relaxing haircuts were a thing of the past. Indulging in long showers and blow drying my hair really was only for very, very special occasions! Bottle feeding failed early on with both girls for differing reasons and because of this I was tied to them. Meaning that being away for more than a couple of hours at a time was impossible. Leaving the house with baby in tow is tough. You suddenly need to plan for every eventuality. I lost count of the amount of times that I left the house without deodorant on. Too concerned with everything baby related. My independence had changed and it was not as simple anymore. My life 80% of the time was me and M. Adult company was a rare luxury and loneliness crept in.

This initial new born crazy time did end and things got better. Sleep got better. Finally there was some sense of routine; a balance. I started going to baby classes. Getting out of the house felt good. In most baby groups you forget to introduce yourself. How many of you reading this can relate? You introduce your baby, you say how old they are, you share anecdotes of what they are getting up to. I would know many of the children’s names and ages in the classes but the mummies names were hardly mentioned. Were they even important? Most conversations at baby and toddler groups are baby related. Although that is lovely and a valuable source of reassurance and advice, there are times when I just wanted to talk about something else. Anything else. The news, what I had watched on TV last night, celebrities, the weather or even what I had used to do as a job. Anything! I wanted to be recognised as an individual person.

After F we decided that it would be too much for me to go back to work again. It didn’t make financial sense. Child care would cost too much, especially as we were due to move. This was something I was happy to do. I told myself that I have the rest of my life to work. My daughters will only be young once. My career can wait.

And my career really can wait. I have no issue in not going back to work. I know in many ways that I am lucky to be able to stay at home. My children will only be this age once and I get to travel on this magical journey with them. However, that does not make it easy. Staying at home is not as glamorous as it is made out to be. It can all too often be very lonely and isolating. It is definitely not ladies what lunch. Once the little ones become a certain age, even a coffee out can be a stressful nightmare. All too often meeting up with friends, has to involve soft play.

Being a parent is tough. Being a mummy is tough. With two toddlers I have no time to myself. Even going to the toilet in peace is a rare luxury! I have gotten so used to putting everything else above my own needs, that I have started to forget to do anything for myself. Or I feel very guilty if I do. I can go days without looking properly at myself in the mirror and when I finally do, I cannot believe that I have clearly forgotten to pluck my eyebrows for quite some time. Why did I not value my own self care enough, to think I can spend more than two minutes in the shower and slapping on some moisturiser? I had just prioritised everyone and everything else over myself. Is it just what happens? Is this what happens to everyone else?

When F was almost 1, I had to take her to see the GP and I cried. The GP asked that powerful question “how are you?” And the tears started to form in my eyes. I just couldn’t keep them back any longer. I explained these tears away by saying that I finally felt that I was getting back to being myself again. But that wasn’t completely true. Why did I decide to only partially tell her the truth? Why in that moment had I decided to share my inner most thoughts with a random GP, when I didn’t have the courage to say this to my husband or my family? Why did I not have the courage to tell the truth? I don’t know.  

That moment in the GP was the push I needed to make changes. I finally got F to reliably accept the bottle from someone else and so felt that I could have some time away. But I felt horrendous for wanting some time away from my children. Surely this isn’t normal? How could I be wishing to have a day completely to myself? Was that not ridiculously selfish? It was necessary though. I felt that I had gotten to the stage where I was just existing. I was surviving. I was putting everyone else’s needs above my own. I needed a break.

So how do I get me back? How to I become myself again? How do I start to allow myself to have a break from being mummy and start taking care of myself again?

First, I have realised that my identity still exists. It is not gone, just buried. There are moments when I am driving somewhere by myself, I have turned the radio up and am singing along to a song from my past. Then I realise, I am still me. It is about adjusting life. Merging the old me, with the new me. Bringing small bits of who I am out. I can turn up the radio, sing and dance with my two girls. They enjoy it too.

Secondly, I should rest when I need to rest. Sleep is ridiculously important as I keep hearing for our health and well-being. If for whatever reason my sleep is cut short at night, maybe I should allow myself some sort of break the next day? Stop trying to do too much and be kind to myself. I need to ask for help when I need it. It is not wrong to ask for help. Although it isn’t always easy to do, especially when you feel like you have to be super mum. Why we put so much pressure on ourselves I do not know?

Thirdly, treat myself. And I don’t mean buying myself extravagant gifts. Treat myself to the occasional dinner out. Sit on the sofa with a tea or pamper myself when my daughters are napping. I don’t need to be doing the million and one jobs that are on my list. They aren’t going anywhere. Blow dry my hair. Do my makeup. Even just buy myself a meal deal for lunch on the way home from a baby class.

And lastly, I need to give myself credit. I am doing a fantastic job of being M and F’s mummy. The girls are doing so well. My job is their development and learning. That is where my job satisfaction should come from. I should feel a sense of achievement. This blog, this website is also me doing something that helps me find my identity again. It’s just a start, I will let you know how I get on!

We can only support each other if we are honest with each other. If you too feel like this, or have come through the other side, please share your experience and comment below. Your experience could really help another parent.