Before Children (B.C)

Eight years ago, we were travelling back from a relaxing, alcohol fuelled holiday in Spain. I’d spent 7 days working on my tan, reading books and drinking. I felt good and refreshed. I had planned to spend the two hour flight home reading my book and drinking complimentary alcohol courtesy of British Airways. Life was good. So, can you imagine my dismay when I discovered that the flight home was full of children? Lots of children. Children who had gone slightly feral and were using the upholstery of the aeroplane as soft play. I turned to my husband and commented “Our child will not behave like that. Our child will be sitting quietly and drawing.” Pah. Fast forward eight years and we are that family whose child is climbing all over the seat. We are still drinking but this time it’s not free and it’s practically impossible to stop the gin and tonic from flying out of our hands courtesy of a stray foot from our son.

I had so many ideas of how we would bring up our son. I had such good intentions. In 22 months, we have broken every single one of those good intentions.

I WILL be in charge. Simple. I’m the adult. You are the child.

My son WILL NOT demand to be bought toys when out shopping.

He now picks a toy and says “want” before putting it in the buggy. That’s how he ended up with that noisy pink monstrosity. I fear that there is a high probability that one day we will accidentally shoplift something.

We WILL NOT cosleep.

We cosleep every night. He sleeps. I sleep. I haven’t got the energy to sit in his room trying to convince him to get back into his cot. We will tackle that at a later date. Surely at some stage he won’t want to sleep in-between us anymore. Right?

I WILL STOP breastfeeding at 6 months. At that point he WILL take a bottle, he WILL be on formula and I WILL treat myself to a night away.

None of that happened. I cut him off the boob at 14 months and a pig flying to the moon is more likely to happen than me having a night away any time soon.

He WILL NOT have any screen time until he’s 2 years old.

He has had more screen time than I am happy to admit. If I want to wash my hair, put away laundry, have 5 minutes to myself; cBeebies is more than happy to oblige. I’m also slightly addicted to Hey Duggee!

My child WILL NOT have any sugar until he’s at least 2 years old.

He tried chocolate at 7 months. I thought I would make all my own sugar-free baby snacks and bake cakes for my son. I have not. I can’t seem to find the time. We have a very impressive snack cupboard.

I WILL NOT bribe my son with food while shopping.

Sometimes it’s the only way we get around Lidl without him shouting “Finished. Down. Car. Home.” He’s happy and I can get the shopping done.

If he doesn’t like what I have made for dinner, tough. And he WILL NOT have chips.

I now regularly cook two different dinners because I live in fear of him waking up at 2am saying he’s hungry. I have no idea what you do if that happens. Anyone?

He has chips every Friday and every time we go out for food, because it’s easy and he likes chips. While we are talking about dinner time, I never thought I would allow toys at the table but toys are a staple feature. Without toys at the table, my son would have one bite of his food and then want to get down to start playing again. At least this way I know he’s eating something.

I WILL go to the gym as soon as I can and the baby weight WILL disappear.

Hahahaha. I cancelled my gym membership when my son was 3 months old and after eating dinner, I look at least 6 months pregnant.

And the biggest lie was that I WILL love every single second of being a parent.

I love my son with everything that I have but parenting is hard. Really hard. Toughest job I’ve ever had. I’m just so tired.

So, what have I learnt? Firstly, I am an idiot. Secondly, I will do almost anything for a quiet life. “You want water to pour from your cup onto the floor, while I cook dinner. Yeah why not? Whatever you want my dear.”

Thirdly I have learnt not to judge others. Before I had children, I had little idea what parenting entailed. How difficult it is. What is required just to get through a day. So, my dismay when boarding that flight eight years ago was judgemental of me and wrong. I should have offered to buy those parents a drink as I’m sure they definitely would have needed them at the time. Each of us have our own way of doing things. What works for one family, might not work for another. As long as the children are happy, neither way is wrong. No one needs someone else criticising the way they parent because often we are our own harshest critics. I’m constantly berating myself about something. Instead we should support each other. Respect each other’s choices and applaud that mum who is battling her way round the shops with a child and a noisy pink monstrosity in tow.