When One becomes Two
When our first child was born, days were spent cuddling on the sofa, lying in bed and eating fudge for breakfast! I often failed to get out of my pyjamas, let alone out of the house. Leaving the house felt like way too much of a logistical nightmare to even consider tackling by myself. The first few weeks were spent almost solidly hibernating. My world revolved around M. On reflection, raising one child was a challenge but manageable, especially since M was generally easy going. The terrible twos never materialised for us. We were so lucky. But all this was about to change when F came along.
Right from the outset it felt like a whole different ball game. Even being pregnant was different. There was no time to feel tired, no time to just lie on the sofa all weekend. There was a toddler who still needed entertaining. Whilst pregnant with M I would regularly consult google to track her growth; from blueberry to grape, from strawberry to watermelon, as well as what was developing that week. With F I barely even knew what week of pregnancy I was in!
After F was born there was no time to ‘rest’ in hospital. I gave birth in the morning and was off home late on in the afternoon. There were no mornings just dozing in bed with baby F. M was not into lie ins! Fudge was no longer an appropriate breakfast, dinners needed to consist of more than just burnt remnants or a crumpet with butter. Hibernation was no longer an option! Once my husband’s two week paternity leave finished, the juggling act really started.
Mornings were a struggle. A struggle to get up and out of bed when M woke up. A struggle to get everyone fed, dressed and ready to get out of the house. M was at nursery two mornings a week so on those days we were on a very tight schedule, one that we didn’t always manage to keep to. My appearance was definitely somewhat questionable when we arrived at nursery; unwashed hair, lacking a spray of deodorant, ill-fitting clothes, numerous stains including milk, baby vomit and weetabix (and who knows what else) on my clothes. Baby F was of course still in her night wear, but surely that is the norm for newborns and it wasn’t just me right? But we got there. I had a new found admiration for those parents who managed to get their multiple children fed and at school in uniform every day. And in awe if they were also on time!
On the days that M wasn’t at nursery I was determined that we would still attend all the toddler groups and activities that we had done previously. Partly because I didn’t want M to miss out and also because staying at home would not be particularly relaxing with an energetic toddler and a newborn. So, two weeks after F was born we were back at gymnastics and I was on a bouncy castle with a 2 year old and a newborn. I wouldn’t have remotely considered doing this the first time round. But somehow it wasn’t horrendous, somehow I was coping. I just made sure that we allowed ourselves plenty of time to get anywhere, didn’t sign up to anything that started too early, and didn’t stress too much if we were late.
Punctuality when you have one child is a struggle. Chances are that just when you are a ready to leave the house, the little one will want food, will have done a poo or is leaking some other bodily fluid. When there are two children involved the probability of an ‘incident’ doubles. The amount of ‘stuff’ you need you need to pack for a morning out also doubles. Spare clothes for both, wipes for both, toys, snacks and a drink for M. F was breastfeeding so luckily there was no way of forgetting her food. Snacks, Did I mention snacks already? Snacks were essential for all involved. My husband always complained at the state of the changing bag, spilling over with stuff and never done up. The bag was my life saver. Everything in it was potentially a game changer, woe betide the person who removes the wipes without replacing them!
The challenge of a second child has made us stronger as a family even if it doesn’t always feel like it. I have been so much more relaxed about everything the second time round. Sleep, food, germs, general health and safety. We have had to be. There is no way around it. I would never have dreamed of taking a two week old M to a place full of germ riddled toddlers but with number two there is simply no choice. There was always at least one slightly grubby and snotty child desperate to touch, cuddle or kiss F when she came on the nursery run. Being slightly more relaxed about everything is the only way to survive and stay sane.
I will be forever grateful that M still napped when F arrived and has continued to do so right up until school. It is something that I always feared would suddenly one day disappear. Yes I KNOW how lucky I am that she napped! However trying to get one toddler to have a nap with a baby around is not easy. I still don’t know if it is better to get the older one to sleep first or the other way round. Initially, the youngest would have to be fed and asleep first otherwise chances were that she would cry. Then as baby F got older the plan changed. I would try to get the oldest to sleep first, that way there was a super slim chance that I may get a dreamy 10 minutes when both of them were asleep.
As a Toddler M would still wanted cuddles on the chair before she fell asleep, so this of course presented the logistical challenge of what to do with newborn F. The bouncy chair became a life saver. Baby F would go in the bouncer whilst I cuddled M. This didn’t always work. Sometimes F would make her displeasure very clear and I would try to position myself so that I could use my foot to bounce newborn F whilst cuddling M. On one occasion when all the stars aligned, never to be repeated, F managed to actually get herself to sleep whilst I cuddled M. I couldn’t believe it, how had she managed to get herself to sleep at 8 weeks?! In that moment I was a multi tasking mummy nap machine! I never could quite repeat that magic and as baby F got more mobile it got even trickier. Suddenly she was attempting to roll out of the bouncer and with such gusto that she once managed to flip it. I still vividly remember desperately patting M to sleep and suddenly seeing baby F’s face pop out from underneath the chair.
And once they were asleep there is of the course the issue of keeping them both, or at least one of them, asleep for as long as possible. One small person must not be allowed to wake the other small person. This is still an issue first thing in the morning. If one sibling hears the other at 5am it instantly signals the start of the day. There is no persuading them otherwise. Pre-children I had always seen images of families all cuddled up in bed, snuggled and dozing. Utter nonsense. There is no falling back to sleep in this house! At best they will wrestle with each other and leave mummy and daddy in peace to snooze whilst we utter the odd “Not on her face” or “Please don’t do that.”
Before F arrived, M was our only baby, and so, of course she had been used to receiving our undivided attention. Naturally this changed when F arrived. It had to. There was no way around it. To ease the transition I tried to involve M in what I was doing with newborn F. M would ‘assist’ with nappy changing and when I fed F there was M with her baby to her ‘booby.’ When I gave F a massage, M’s baby needed one too. M was so kind and caring towards her baby sister in the early days. She would enjoy just lying down next to her sister. There are of course moments, especially as F has got a bit older where both of them need my attention. When Gary is at work I am outnumbered. I find myself having to assess the situation in order to decide who is more critical? Who should I deal with first? There is always potentially one unhappy customer who is desperate for mummy. I can only try my best.
That is all I can do. I am trying to learn to accept that I wont always get it right. It is a juggling act and when it goes well it is marvelous but occasionally I drop a ball. At these times we have tears and foot stamping but it is a learning curve for us all. What doesn’t break us makes us stronger. A huge silver lining of me struggling to give them both the attention I would like, is how close my eldest now is with my husband. Their relationship is truly special. She is well and truly a daddy’s girl!
When you have a second child everything is different. But you learn to cope. Managing a second baby is completely doable. Of course it is, it just doesn’t feel like it at the time. Sometimes managing two children is so overwhelming that I have found myself seeking shelter in a kitchen cupboard chomping through some cooking chocolate, cursing myself for deciding not to buy anything sweet this week. However, second time round you know it won’t last forever. You know that those hideous sleepless nights will end at some point. So I have been determined to make the most of it. To savour it all. The good bits, as well as the challenging bits. I tried my best to not wish the time away and accept help whenever it is offered.