Spinning Plates

Am I the only one who feels like they are spinning plates? That I have agreed to far too much. That at any moment, very soon, I will lose control of one or all of the plates and they will come crashing down around me.

Today I have lost my to do list. This is not the first time this has happened. I generally have at least two to do lists on the go. Neither will be completely up to date. I generally seem to refer to the ever expanding list in my head, which is not fail safe at all. Somehow it feels reassuring to write jobs down. As if by writing them down I am one step closer to completing them. I try to be organised. I long to be one of those women who is always incredibly organised. Who know exactly what is happening for the rest of the year. Who have all birthday, welcome baby and Christmas presents all planned and ready to go weeks, if not months, in advance. I always have good intentions. But then something else happens, I forget to write it in on my list, I lose my list or as is more often the case I just don’t get round to it.

Not getting round to basic tasks has been a bit of an ongoing theme this year. So far it has been a bit of a challenge. One that I have enjoyed. I have even taken some pleasure from some accomplishments, but a it’s been challenge none the less. We have moved house, moved away from London, moved away from family and friends. We have taken on a bit of a project with the house. It will be our dream house one day but it is far from that at the moment. We had slightly unrealistic visions before we moved. That all building work and renovation would be completed by the summer. It hasn’t even started. Initially we said we would not do any decorating or anything to the house as most of it, at some point, would be torn down when walls move and rooms change. We would live with it until the building work began. That lasted a couple of months. Then one day, whilst sat in the living room with the girls, with the most oppressive painted walls closing in on me, I could take it no longer. As soon as the girls were asleep I searched for leftover paint from our old home, a roller and a paintbrush and decided to paint. Just the one wall to see if it helped. Fast forward 7 months and now there are only a couple of rooms in the house that haven’t been touched by a lick of paint. Painting walls was just the start. Carpets have been ripped up, woodwork, tiles and work surfaces have all been attacked too. I have even turned my hand to some plastering after the electricians left us with us some serious chasing out in our walls.

As parents we often have to become jacks of all trades. Being busy and multi tasking is just par for the course. But sometimes we take on too much. I try to do just a bit too much, a bit too fast. Then something, if not everything, comes crashing down. I am left feeling like I have failed. Something is not how I wanted it. I have let someone down. I am at breaking point. Even before it all comes toppling down, I am anxious. My stress levels are constantly high. I find myself awake at night remembering something else that I must do. Something else that I must not forget and what was that other thing that I have already forgotten? Hopefully it wasn’t too important. My mind whirs, my knee silently taps away.

Why are we not kinder to ourselves? Give ourselves a break? Give ourselves more time, slow down? We try to attempt to do everything at once. Cook a home cooked dinner, paint the kitchen tiles, food shopping, empty the washing machine, prepare a fun and educational activity for the girls, and if at all possible stop the house looking like it has been a victim of some sort of explosion. I set myself unrealistic goals for a week that can’t be accomplished in the time I give myself. Or if they are then chances are nothing else has been accomplished that week. Why of course I can finish painting the kitchen tiles, finish the first coat in the kitchen and do a second coat in dining area too this week. Resurface the laminate worktops as well, why not? This is of course on top of all other daily chores, tasks and preferably some time to play with the girls. It just isn’t realistically possible. Being sleep deprived doesn’t help the situation either but instead of giving myself a slight let up, I plough on regardless. Not wanting to make excuses. Something has got to give. And whatever plate I drop I will feel disappointment that I have dropped a plate. I have failed at something. Why do we set ourselves up to fail? Why not just aim to finish painting the kitchen tiles and then anything else is a massive win. Or are the tiles and painting even that important at all? Surely I should instead just ensure that I have time to play with the girls when M gets home from school.

So why do I try to do it all? Why do I want everything to be done now? We pile ourselves up with so many things that we really don’t have to do. No one else has these expectations of me, do they? Sometimes I wonder if I do this to myself to somehow justify staying at home. As if being a stay at home mummy is not enough. Maybe others will think I merely lounge on the sofa all day? Maybe I feel some sort of guilt for not going out to work and earning money. Sometimes it is ok to say actually it isn’t going to happen this week. I have enough to do. It is ok to take our foot off the accelerator, to realise it doesn’t all need to be done now. It will get better, just not all right now. And sometimes it is ok to merely lounge on the sofa!

I need to slow down, so that I can take enjoyment and satisfaction out of the improvements that I am making. Use the painting as a relaxing, mindful moment in my day. Rather than trying to paint, cook, eat my lunch all at the same time and all in utter silence for fear of waking a sleeping toddler. So what if I only get one wall painted. One is better than none. The girls don’t care that our kitchen is brown from floor to ceiling, even if it it really gets to me. (Why is it so brown?!) My priority should be them and our family’s happiness. A brown kitchen shouldn’t affect that happiness. Worst comes to worst let’s just go outside and ignore our kitchen! I need to evaluate what is most important. Surely that simply has to be our health and happiness. I must of course remember to include myself and my health and happiness in that too!