The Power of Praise

Its 8:10 on a Monday morning and I have just lost my temper. M has taken 45 minutes to eat breakfast and we are going to be late for nursery. Again! I have found myself having to give the same instruction on repeat. Over and over again. The car journey is miserable. The goodbye at nursery feels sad. How has the morning come to this? From a very minor incident, in the grand scheme of life, my reaction caused M’s behaviour to get worse over the course of the morning. All very minor annoyances but gradually all building until I snapped. And afterwards I feel awful.

As an adult one of the things I have randomly struggled with about no longer having paid employment, is the lack of praise, reward, recognition for a job well done. As a teacher, of course you don’t get a bonus but you do receive gratitude from parents. You have senior members of staff coming to critique your lessons, your books, your classroom and as a result you are told all the things you are doing right. I miss that. So why had I not realised that this might also be of great importance to my children?

As a teacher I also know the importance of positivity when it comes to behaviour management. How a single positive comment will not only affect the child you are addressing but also those around him. It can inspire those around the child to change their own behaviour, so that they too receive praise. Yet a negative comment will only affect that child. And usually it doesn’t even have the desired effect on that individual. I found as a teacher that negative feedback breeds more negative behaviour. How as a parent, have I now forgotten this for my own children?

Of course, I haven’t forgotten this. It is just that as a parent, in the job that never stops, frustrations build quickly.  Before you know it something, me, snaps. So, I had a lightbulb moment. I would need to remind myself to dish out the positive comments. Ignore the small stuff. Focus on the good. Pick my battles.

I would be more like Flop (a CBeebies’ character from Bing for those of you not familiar with his work!). He remains calm and positive at all times. Flop’s catchphrase of “no big thing” would become my mantra.  So, when I find one daughter walking moisturiser in big dollops across the landing, whilst the other has lost her socks for nursery, I ask myself, “what would Flop do?” “It’s no big thing.” Flop would become my guru, my Yoda, my Mr Miyagi. If I find myself asking M at least three times to pick something up, go to the toilet, wash her hands, I would take a breath and remain calm. I would focus on something that they had done well.

‘Post-Its’ went up around the house. I would need to remind myself, I just knew it. Being negative was like a bad habit and I needed to break it! The transformation was virtually instant! The more positive I was, the better their behaviour was. And just like the ripple effect from school, the praise influenced my other daughter. If I was praising M for fantastic writing, then two seconds later there was F waving a piece of paper in front of me desperate for me also to celebrate her ‘writing.’ At dinner time if I celebrated M for eating all of her broccoli, there was F two seconds later ‘eating’ her broccoli. I felt my mood lifting and my stress levels going down. I found myself relaxing and enjoying parenting again.

Of course, there are still times that I get cross. There are times where my patience is tested. There are times where I forget “the mantra” especially when I am sleep deprived and attempting to do far too much at once. And in those times where I do get cross, I am also kind to myself and not beat myself up.  I am not a superhero, but I try to get back to the positivity as quickly as possible.  

When teaching at school the more specific I was with my praise the greater effect it had. If I praised one five year old for adding a full stop at the end of a sentence, suddenly full stops were popping at the end of sentences all around the classroom. So wherever possible I try and be genuine with it and wherever possible be specific. Just as someone saying a generic “thanks” doesn’t really feel like ‘praise’ to me, a quick “thanks” when they had tidied might not be enough for my daughters either. I need to be give targeted praise. “I really like how you stopped what you were doing when I said it was time to get in the car.”

Sometimes it does feel a little over the top. Sometimes I do feel like a children’s television presenter. Sometimes my smile and calm demeanour is hiding a tired and very fed up mummy. But so what?  Our children want our reassurance. They want our attention and they enjoy it when we value what they are doing. And why not? They are after all mini versions of us.

So what I have learnt?

Find something to praise.

Be specific.

Keep going.

And just let the small stuff go.

Oh and of course if it all goes horribly wrong be kind to myself as well.

We’d love to hear below how you manage those challenging moments with your little ones.

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