The Post School Apocalypse

Before M started school I had always had visions of me stood outside school desperately waiting to see her. As she came out, she would spot me and run towards me shouting “Mummmmmyyyy.” Picking her up I would spin her around. All smiles and joy. Off we would go chatting non stop about her day and excited to go play at home together. At home I would have prepared beautiful craft activities and set up role play games. All for her to enjoy together with us when she got home…

How foolish I was! I completely misjudged the scenario. Instead I am greeted with a grunt or two. She is quiet, withdrawn. Her response to my wave of questions is a standard “Fine.”

Back home everything is not fine. As soon as we step out of the car, her mood darkens. Nothing I say is now right. Everything I ask angers her. Asking her to take off her shoes is greeted as if I have asked her to scrub the floor. I daren’t ask her a second time as I worry she would be liable to throw a shoe in my face! Does she just want to chill out and lie down on the sofa with the tv on? Does she heck?! She wants to play, she wants to make something, she wants to do something. But when we play something, when we make something, when we do something she is such a misery that she literally sucks all the fun and joy out of everything.

Anger. Moodiness. Rage. She has become a completely different child. What has happened to my happy, easy going daughter? Where is my beloved? What has happened at school? As it turns out this seems to be the norm. When I speak to other parents, carers, childminders. This seems be a recurring theme. We are not alone. Why did no one warn me about this though? The more I think about it the more I understand. M enjoys school I am sure of it but school is full on for her. There is so much going on, so much to take in. All day long she will have been “good”. She will have been happy, tried her hardest. She will have appeased her peers, suffered potentially in silence when someone annoyed her. Not reacted and just got on with it. Smiled, nodded and done as she is told. All day long she would have kept it together. So when she comes home her frustrations, her irritations are at tipping point. She is ready to blow. It all makes sense.

There are a few things that I have learnt that help lessen the chances of the hulk, aka my beautiful daughter M, erupting when we get home.

Feed Them, Feed Them Fast.

I now take some item of food item with me in the car for M to have on the journey home. We all know what it is like to be hangry and post school children are no exception. The sooner you can get them to eat something, the better. Even if they have eaten an entire roast dinner for lunch, feed them. Anything really, a sandwich, a piece of fruit, crackers whatever it takes to prevent their blood sugar levels completely hitting rock bottom and causing an angry explosion.

Don’t Anger Them

When M is going all teenage moody on me I have learnt to breathe and ignore it. Getting annoyed at her or pulling her up on it right now is not going to help. This will only serve to anger the hulk. Do not anger the hulk. Let the small stuff go. This is not the time to correct her grammar. Keep yourself positive even if this does mean having to smother your own cries into a cushion.

Don’t Bombard them with Questions

I always ask M how her day was when I first pick her up. I ask to be polite and show that I want to know. But unless she offers up more than a “Fine” I leave it at that for the time being. Most adults when they get back from a long days work don’t want to be bombarded with a thousand questions asking every detail of their day. Especially when it has been a tough one. Sometimes we all just want to switch off from it for a while first. Decompress. I have found it is the same with M. Save the questions for later. I have noticed that as M relaxes from her day at school, she slowly offers up more and more nuggets of information about her day. I relish every one of these nuggets.

Give them Time, Give them Space

When we first get back from school I just let M do whatever she wants. Colouring, TV, running around the garden. Whatever will help her to start to decompress. I try to be there with her but don’t try to control the situation, just let her be for a bit. I find once she has just had some time to do nothing for a bit she then wants do something together. I try to have a few things up my sleeve for when she is ready to do something together. Things that I know she likes and things that help her take her mind off her day. Help her unwind and decompress. Whether its colouring, water play, small world play or loose parts. Preferably something with no rules, nothing where they can “get it wrong” and can do it however they want. Now is not the time for handwriting practice, phonics or sums!

Give Them Control

All day long, chances are, that they will have had very little control over their own day. They will have, more than likely, been “bossed around”. Told what to do or what not to do either by adults or by other children. So give them some control back, allowing them to be in charge of themselves at least. I used to get annoyed when M would boss me around after school when we were colouring or doing an activity. I would find myself arguing with her that I wanted to colour the leaf red not green as she had told me I had to. Then I realised what am I doing? Just colour it green for goodness sake. Why am I arguing with her? So when we are playing I let her take charge now. I let her boss me around just a bit. If that’s what will help her feel in control again then why not?

I have also realised that there is a very important reason why M and other children turn into the incredible hulk when they get home from school. We are their safe space. Home is where they feel comfortable enough to unleash the beast. Just as my husband sees me at my worst, just as he has to deal with my withering looks, my moods, my harsh words. M knows I love her and she can show me her worst side. She can be rude to me, angry with me and I will love her no matter what. And I will love her no matter what. No matter how grumpy she is. I will tell myself this isn’t personal. I will be strong for her, I will be her safe place. The place to show her vulnerability, her frustration, her anger. However there will still be times when both M and F are, by 4pm, screaming, crying, and stomping their feet at me that I will be hiding in a kitchen cupboard, desperately shoving chocolate in my mouth whilst banging my head against the wall.

So who else’s beloved turns into the hulk after school? Any other tips to survive it and make the explosions less destructive?