Sleep

I thought I would kick off the New Year with a controversial blog: Baby Sleep. Before having my son, I had no idea that the topic was so controversial, that everyone had an opinion and that people actually made a living from telling you how and where your baby should be sleeping.

I will be honest I was obsessed with my son’s sleep; was he sleeping too much, was he getting enough sleep, should he be sleeping in his cot or in bed with us? I analysed everything to find out why he woke up or why he refused to fall asleep; timings, the weather, the moon, his diet, whether my husband was home late from work. Everything was potentially a factor. I’ve also read books on sleep, belong to a number of sleep groups on Facebook, burnt lavender and chamomile, spent hours outside playing in the fresh air in a desperate attempt to tire him out, only read stories where the character falls asleep and played special sleep music. I’ll let you into a secret, nothing helped. NOTHING. There is no pattern or secret recipe to discover. I simply have no control over when he falls asleep or how long he sleeps for.

Our current sleep situation

My son is just over 2 years old and naps once during the day in his own bed. He takes an hour on average to fall asleep at night and will always stagger into our room to get into bed with my husband and I at some point during the night. He has slept through the whole night by himself on a grand total of two occasions. Two. On both nights, neither my husband nor I had a good night’s sleep. Yes, maybe if I let my son ‘cry it out’ for a couple of nights he would fall asleep by himself and he wouldn’t climb into our bed at 1am. Respectfully however, this strategy would not work for our family. I wouldn’t leave my husband to cry by himself and he irritates me most of the time, so I definitely wouldn’t leave my baby to cry. Also, as my toddler becomes a teenager and starts going out with friends in the evening, I want him to know now that my husband and I will always be there to support and rescue him whatever the time is. My husband and I am OK with this and it works for us. There will come a time, maybe tomorrow, next week, next month, next year when he doesn’t need us at night. At that point I will miss waking up to him asking “Mummy cuddles please?”

So here are six things I have learnt about my baby’s sleep:

1. In the first few months my son only wanted to sleep on me or my husband

I naively thought that my brand-new baby would be happy to just lie by himself in his huge, cold cot. Of course he wasn’t. He had just spent 9 months listening to my heart beat, my breathing, my voice, he must have felt so safe. Suddenly he was thrust into this brand-new world which was loud, colourful, smelly and scary. I was his home. His safe space. So, we contact napped and co-slept. And it was wonderful. We lived in unorganised chaos at the beginning and that was OK. The dishes and the laundry could wait.

At two years old my little one still sleeps better with us close by.

2.  It is sometimes easiest to nod and smile when someone gives you unsolicited advice about your child’s sleep

I have learnt to ignore when people said “you’re making a rod for your own back by feeding, rocking, bouncing, cuddling, stroking, singing, holding him to sleep.” If you co-sleep he’ll still be in your bed when he’s 14 years old!”

My husband and I have committed every one of those sleep crimes listed above!!! First of all I have learnt that feeding to sleep is biologically normal and is one of the greatest tools mother nature has given us to get a baby to sleep. Contrary to what some people advised me when my son was a baby, we no longer have to feed, bounce or hold him to encourage sleep. Just like everything, his sleep routine has developed and he has grown out of these. We now lie next to our son and occasionally sing to him and one day that too will change.

 3. I’ve never understood the concept of ‘putting the baby down drowsy but awake’ so they learn to fall asleep by themselves

Utter nonsense. My son has two levels of consciousness; awake and asleep.

4. My son’s sleep is a lot like my own

I like to sleep close to someone. If my husband is out with friends, I don’t sleep soundly until he is home. Interestingly if you talk to my Mum and Mother-in-law my husband and I weren’t great sleepers when we were children. My Mother-in-law would often put my husband in the car so he fell asleep and I needed company to fall asleep. Now there are times when I’m really tired and fall asleep quickly but more often than not it takes me a while to fall asleep because I am processing the day. I also wake frequently throughout the night to go to the toilet, to get comfortable, have a drink of water, after a bad dream. At the grand old age of 38 I can usually sort myself out. However, my son at 2 years old might be able to get himself comfortable without me now but he still needs his parents to pass him a drink or console him after a bad dream.

5. It’s OK to get annoyed and to tap out

Since turning 7 months old, my son has taken a significant amount of time to fall asleep. When my son is on a cusp of a new skill you can almost guarantee that it will take even longer for him to switch off. My husband and I are human and after a long day when you just want to sit on the sofa by yourself, irritability can strike. I have been very very stern at bedtime and I have even had to walk out of my son’s bedroom to compose myself. My husband and I do bedtime on alternate nights and in one-hour shifts. If the first person has been unsuccessful in getting our son to sleep, we swap. I have realised that there is little point in me saying in my best unimpressed teacher voice “IT IS TIME FOR SLEEP. NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GO TO SLEEP.” It does not make him go to sleep any quicker. In fact, it probably just takes longer.

6. I now trust that my son will take the sleep he needs

My wonderful nieces are sleep monsters. They love a good sleep and take after my brother-in-law. My son is not a sleep monster and I have spent months agonising that he wasn’t sleeping as long as my nieces or as long as the fancy sleep guidelines that you can find online suggested. Every child is different. I have learnt that babies and toddlers sleep for as long as their body needs. If my son is poorly or his night time sleep wasn’t great he will take a longer nap but the majority are short naps and that is what his body needs.

And a special secret one… some people have real unicorn babies that can fall asleep by themselves, nap for hours and sleep through at 8 weeks old. And some lie! Some people have quickly learnt that baby sleep is a contentious issue and would rather not engage in the conversation.

If you don’t have one of those rare unicorn babies and are spending your evenings singing endless lullabies to a child who is stubbornly refusing to go to sleep, try and remember that one day you will look back and miss these precious (but definitely annoying) moments. Nothing lasts forever and honestly who doesn’t love an extra cuddle with their baby at the end of the day?